throughout your life people will try to tell you that puns aren’t funny. these people are wrong.
do u ever turn the volume on your music up until u reach the perfect level of ah yes i cannot hear anything else and it feels like a big warm hug
- *Man walks into a store and finds employee*
- Man: Alright, I've had enough. Why haven't you guys hired me?!
- Employee: Uh...well sir, when did you put in your application?
- Man: I never filled out an application.
- Employee: Well sir, we can't consider you for employment if you've never filled out an application.
- Man: No, that's bullshit, because I've been coming here for years now, and every single time I tell you all how much I love this store and how much I appreciate your customer service, unlike some of your other customers might I add!
- Employee: Well, but that doesn't-
- Man: AND I even told you that I didn't have a job!
- Employee: But sir, that doesn't indicate to us that you would like a job at our store. And again, if you've never filled out an application, we can't consider you. Besides, we're not hiring.
- Man: OH! Not hiring, HA! What a laugh. I see your store go through seasonal workers all the time. They come and go like nothing, but you won't consider me as a part-time employee even though I KNOW you've been looking for workers to fill positions? That's insane!
- Employee: Sir, we've been looking to hire a few people for management positions. Do you have any management experience?
- Man: Well no, but what does that matter?
- Employee: ...Well sir, that's what we're looking for. You won't be suitable for the position without management experience.
- Man: Oh that's such a load of crap. You know, you'll be waiting around a long time for a manager if you don't lower your standards a little. Who cares if someone knows how to manage a store? I LOVE this store and I'm willing to work here, that's all that should matter to you.
- Employee: That...doesn't make any sense.
- Man: NO! I'm done. This is over. From now on, no more Mr. Nice Guy.
- Man: Fuck you, slut.
my friendship comes in 3 levels:
3) inappropriate sexual humor.
do you ever get an overwHELMING RUSH OF POSITIVE FEELINGS TOWARD SOMEONE FOR NO REASON??? LIKE THEY DON’T DO ANYthING BUT YOU JUST SUDDENLY REALIzE HOW MUCh yoU LOVE THEM AND YOU CANT HOLD IT BACK???????????? i gotTA TELl yoU HOW MUch I ADORE AND ADMIRE YOU AND U CAnT STOP ME
I may act like I’m sassy but if you’re mean to me there is a 900% chance I’ll cry
i hate when a more attractive person has a crush on the same person i do
It’s like performing in a talent show and finding out that Beyonce is going on before you
if anyone ever asks me what tumblr is i’m gonna show them this video and just walk away
Sundays are one of the main reasons why I want a boyfriend because what does anyone even do on a Sunday like if I had a boyfriend I could do him
or OR YOU CAN GO TO CHURCH ON A SUNDAY AND GET THAT DIRTY MIND CLEANSED BY THE LORD
i’m an expert at having a really funny story to tell and then wording it badly enough that it’s not funny anymore
- *Wakes up in the middle of the night*
- Me: Please don't be 6am
- Me: MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS TO ME!
- *Shoves face back into pillow*